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I’m a woman in a sexless marriage – now what? Another article by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT, from www.HopefulSolutions.net The first question is this: Are you the one with diminished desire, or is it your partner? You go in different directions depending on how you answer this important question. In both cases, the general areas can be pretty clearly defined. There are five general areas where either you, your partner, or both of you are struggling. What Is Low Sexual Desire? In 2003 there was talk about “sexless marriages.” For the first time discussion centered around those couples that were having sex 10 times a year or less. The focus at the time was on how busy couples are, and how sex is less likely to take place “in the back seat of the car” because it has taken a back seat to so many other activities. There seems to be two attitudes about this loss of sexual desire. Some believe that if a couple has sex 5 times a year, or 1 time a year, and they are happy, so be it. If they are happy, then it is fine the way it is. Others believe that really healthy relationships between a husband and a wife should involve a deeply intimate and erotic relationship. 10 times a year is less than it should be both in quantity, and probably in quality. Let me make another observation. One of the most frequent keywords used to locate this website is “woman with no sex drive.” There is a difference between “no sex drive” and “low sex drive”. People don’t type in the keyword “low sex drive.” Low is experienced as No. What we are talking about here is when a woman has little or no interest in sex. That is, she doesn’t have much libido (drive for sexual contact), and she has few sexual thoughts, erotic fantasies, daydreams about sex, or night dreams about sex. Sex is just not something in which she is interested. It is true that there is a certain decline in sexual interest in most women as they age. But, and this is the catch, not in all women. Human beings have a propensity for comparing themselves UP. That is, we compare ourselves to people with more money, bigger houses, fancier cars, etc. Same with sex. We compare ourselves to people who appear to be more interested in sex than ourselves. Let’s look at a woman’s lack of interest in sex by using my Integrated Approach to Sex Therapy. There are 5 critical Challenge Areas where you can be struggling. I’ll present them here in brief, as I have elsewhere. To be more specific you will have to do some digging yourself. Much can be said about each of these 5 Challenge Areas, and you can look to my ebook, Great Marriage! Great Sex! Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage for more help. Do you have a biological problem? Think about it. Low testosterone, medications, surgeries, injuries, and aging are only some of the many physical problems that you might be facing. Do you understand your arousal threshold? How about your orgasmic threshold? The list can be long. But, with understanding and some work you can move ahead. Do you have a relationship problem? A lousy relationship almost always manifests in lousy sex. If you don’t like each other, it is hard to make love with each other. I, and two other colleagues, have developed The Relationship Success Manual: Step-by-Step from Stalemates to Soulmates. We use the Manual in all of our counseling with couples at the Fountain Hill Center. You can learn more about it at www.HopefulSolutions.net. Do you have a cultural problem? That which is permissible between a man and a woman in Mexico City, is a lot different than that which is permissible between a man and a woman in Tokyo, Budapest, Sydney, or Tehran. I’m sure you understand that. What happens between a conservative Roman Catholic couple in Italy can be very different than what happens between a liberal atheist couple in the Netherlands. I don’t pretend to understand all the cultural differences, but I know there are differences. I have worked with enough people who come from different cultural backgrounds to know that cultural challenges can be real, and they can be show-stoppers. Do you have a personal problem? As a psychotherapist who specializes in marriage and family therapy, I know that there are a lot of personal issues that can mess with someone’s head. I’m not going into a lot of detail on this right now. You can reflect for a moment and ask yourself, “Is there something within my thinking and feeling that turns me off to sex?” If you wonder… then you better do some work to get at the truth… and to get beyond where you are stuck to a better place. Do you have spiritual and energetic problems? There has been lots of talk about women being too tired to want sex. Some of this is a particular problem of the hectic pace of life in the western world. Once again, I suspect cultural issues are involved. What is sucking the energy out of you? Is it bad nutrition? Too much electronic interference? Might it be where you are at spiritually? Maybe you are in a period of transition from one stage of development to another? “I just outgrew my partner.” I’ve heard that a lot, and almost experienced it first hand. Five big challenge areas. Dig deep and look for the specifics of where you might be stuck, and then get free. This article is provided by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT, LCSW, content expert at www.HopefulSolutions.net. Always use your common sense when seeking advice for your sexless marriage. Where appropriate, always consult your physician. ©2003 - 2006 Dr. Andrew D. Atwood. All rights reserved. HopefulSolutions.net is a service of The Fountain Hill Center for Counseling and Consultation, 534 Fountain St. NE, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 49503. Contact Information: DrAtwood@HopefulSolutions.net. I welcome your comments or questions. If you offer a complementary service or web site, I would like to talk to you about cooperating to build our sites to serve more people. Please know also that I assume no responsibility or liability for the actions of any kind of those who visit my site and read my material or the material of my contributors.
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