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Is the fact that I’m living in a sexless marriage the reason I’m so depressed and angry? Another article by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT, from www.HopefulSolutions.net Living in a sexless marriage can be a real drag. Exactly how big a drag will depend on how important great sex is to you and your partner. If you really want great sex in a great marriage… and you aren’t getting enough… then you might well find yourself depressed and angry as a result. When you don’t get what you want, you get frustrated. When we get frustrated we tend to get angry, and depressed. Anger is “active frustration,” while depression is “passive frustration.” If you want intimate and erotic sex with your partner, and your partner is not available, then you are going to be frustrated. If you want intimate and erotic sex with your partner, but you can get your own self to the point where you can actively engage your partner in sex, then you will be frustrated. In both cases you aren’t getting what you want; in the first case you are frustrated because your partner won’t give you good sex, and in the second case you can’t get yourself to give your partner good sex. Now what do you do with your frustration? Typically, we get angry when frustration is present. You might be getting angry at your partner out of sheer frustration. “What is the matter with you that you don’t want sex with me?” “What more do I have to do to turn you on? Come on!” The problem is, of course, that if you keep trying to get your partner to give you sex, you will surely get stuck in what I call a “control drama”. If that happens, you will both end up frustrated. Control dramas kill relationships. I write about them in my ebook, Great Marriage! Great Sex! Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage. We depress ourselves when the pure pain we experience at being frustrated is too much to bear. Rather than feeling the pain of frustration, rejection, abandonment, worthlessness, failure, being trapped, and bored in the relationship you will chose to depress yourself instead. It is that straightforward. Now there is such a thing as clinical depression, and that has to be addressed with medication in most cases. The problem is most antidepressants, as a side effect, lower sexual desire. Then you get stuck in an amplifying feedback loop. Depression leads to medication, which leads to less sexual desire, which leads to depression… and around you go. Great Marriage? You can have a great marriage if you stay away from certain behaviors that are known to destroy marriages, especially during times of frustration. And, of course, you can have a great marriage if you practice those behaviors which are known to bring about relationship bliss. Great Sex? You can have great sex if you address the five challenge areas that might be confounding you. Your biology has to be working well enough. So does your relationship. Any cultural hang ups have to be addressed. Any personal issues have to be addressed, too. And, if you are stuck spiritually or energetically, that has to be addressed as well. Let you frustration turn to anger and depression and you won’t be fixing the problem; in fact you will be heaping coals on the fire. Get some help at www.HopefulSolutions.net. This article is provided by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT, LCSW, content expert at www.HopefulSolutions.net. Always use your common sense when seeking advice for your sexless marriage. Where appropriate, always consult your physician. ©2003 - 2006 Dr. Andrew D. Atwood. All rights reserved. HopefulSolutions.net is a service of The Fountain Hill Center for Counseling and Consultation, 534 Fountain St. NE, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 49503. Contact Information: DrAtwood@HopefulSolutions.net. I welcome your comments or questions. If you offer a complementary service or web site, I would like to talk to you about cooperating to build our sites to serve more people. Please know also that I assume no responsibility or liability for the actions of any kind of those who visit my site and read my material or the material of my contributors.
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