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The widening gap between haves and have-nots has been on my mind lately as I read the daily news stories about third-world problems and the horror of poverty. Interestingly, it has made me think of my contacts with the rich, both the energetic individuals who have created impressive success stories and their children, who were born into wealth. “Whatever we learn to do, we learn by actually doing it: men come to be builders, for instance, by building, and harp players by playing the harp. In the same way, by doing just acts, we come to be just; by doing self-controlled acts, we come to be self-controlled; and by doing brave acts, we become brave.” - Aristotle, Greek philosopher (B.C. 384-322) An old friend called and asked for a favor. Would I talk to the son of his best friend to help the young man decide what kind of work he’s best suited for? The “young man” was in his early forties, and he hadn’t worked a day in his life. Instead, he had used the proceeds of an annuity to support a comfortable lifestyle. He got into trouble when interests rates fell and he dipped into the principal to make up the difference. When his parents refused to bail him out, he was faced with getting a job. He had no idea what to do next. I've done this sort of thing before, but I decided to talk with him on the phone before committing to a coaching session. After putting him at ease I asked him, “Assuming you could make good money and enjoy the work at the same time, what would you like to do?” After a long pause he said, “How about racing cars?” I told him about a personality test that would reveal the kinds of work activities that he would find most comfortable and enjoyable. “I’m not really interested. Can we work this out without the test?” He and I never made it to the coaching session. I didn't think I could help him. He expressed no interest in any area of work, and he was willing to do literally anything to avoid getting a job. "The only way you're going to grow is to be in difficult situations." - Mike Krzyzewski, American NCAA basketball coach (1947- ) Once I spent a day evaluating and coaching a man in his middle forties who had failed in every executive position his father, a retired CEO, had arranged for him. The son had a unique personality profile: extremely mild preferences in all areas of thought and behavior. At one point, I asked him what activity in college had given him the most satisfaction. After much consideration, he said, “Cross-word puzzles.” I studied him carefully and decided that he was telling the truth. I spent a few hours with him a year later while he was studying for the Certified Financial Planner exams. He seemed resigned, unhappy and edgy. I came to believe that he was busying himself until his father died, when he would receive his inheritance. His daughter was remarkably different, a high-energy high school senior with a 4.0 average. She was fired up about going to the University of North Carolina to pursue a degree in marketing. "A man, as a general rule, owes very little to what he is born with -- a man is what he makes of himself." - Alexander Graham Bell, American inventor (1847-1922) On another occasion I spent two days with a young college student who was making horrible grades. His grandfather, a wealthy entrepreneur, paid me to test him and help him get some focus. He was a nice, polite young man, and he worked with me patiently the entire weekend. But the bottom line was that only thing he was interested in was having a good time with friends. He had no interest in studying for anything or preparing himself for any kind of career. “Character building begins in our infancy and continues until death.” - Eleanor Roosevelt, American diplomat (1884-1962) A friend of ours used to date a very wealthy man in his fifties. According to her, he didn’t treat her well. Before she broke off the relationship, I had the chance to spend some time with him on a SCUBA diving trip. His most remarkable characteristic was his consistently negative attitude. One day we were having lunch and Judy began talking about her work on the board of the local ballet. Her boyfriend commented disdainfully, “I don’t know why you spend time with that. Do you think any kind of art really matters?” Before the day was over, I realized that he believed that nothing mattered and that he had almost no interest, enthusiasm or ambition for anything. “Every little action of the common day makes or unmakes character, and what one has done in the secret chamber has some day to cry aloud on the housetops.” - Oscar Wilde, British playwright (1854-1900) Something was missing in the make-up of each of these individuals. They had no desire to engage themselves in the hard work of life. No courage, no vision, no patience, no persistence, no effort, no compassion—these and other strengths of character just weren’t there. Apparently, they had never had to strive as children. They had been given everything. They had no experience with hard work, no patterns for dealing with challenges. Parents may want to give their children the things they couldn't have when they were young, to protect them from a difficult childhood. They may also want their own friends and associates to see how successful they are by demonstrating how well they provide for their children. But if kids are to grow up to be mature, self-reliant adults, they need to build strengths of character. They need to learn what it's like to do the hard things, to achieve a goal, to earn success. They need responsibilities, challenges and opportunities to learn from mistakes. A child who grows up in a needy family will, by definition, experience challenges. The irony of growing up in a wealthy family is that these children are in far greater danger of being deprived of the most important thing they’ll ever need in life.
Article Source: http://www.articledestination.com
Dennis E. Coates is CEO of Performance Support Systems, author of MindFrames, a brain-based personality assessment system (www.initforlife.com) and co-founder of the Train-to-Ingrain alliance (www.train-to-ingrain.com, info@train-to-ingrain.com, 800-488-6463), which delivers a reinforcement-centered approach to learning and development that achieves permanent, measurable improvements in workplace behavior and positive impacts on business results.
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