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There are many ways to encourage effectively. The most important thing to remember is that when people come to you distressed and disheartened, what they usually want first is for you to really hear them and understand how they feel. Even if someone is typically strong and effective, she doesn't feel that way now. She feels hurt, vulnerable and momentarily unsure of herself. Life has just dealt her a body blow; and before she picks herself up off the floor, she needs to know that somebody she trusts understands how she feels. The challenge is that even if you know what to do, when it's time to be a sympathetic listener, you're not always ready for it. In most cases, your mind will be somewhere else. Your brain won’t be in “listening mode.” You’ll only have a few seconds, so you’ll have to act fast. Here’s what you need to do. First, you have to stop what you’re doing. If you’re reading, put the book down. If you’re working on something, turn away from it and focus your attention on the person. At no time when she's talking should you shift your attention or try to do anything else. If you do, you’ll miss something. Worse, she'll see that you’re not ready to listen, even if you say you are. Focus on the speaker. Try to appreciate her distress, not understand her problem. Open your heart. Tap into your compassion and intuition. Ask yourself: How does she feel right now? Her feelings will be expressed by her body language. Her tone of voice will tell you a great deal. Notice her facial expressions. What does her posture tell you? What is she doing with her hands and arms? Second, stop talking. It’s listening time, not explaining, advising or lecturing time. Project your most friendly, sympathetic self. If you must speak, do so only to encourage her to express herself: “Tell me what happened.” “Then what happened?” Nod your head to reassure her that you're taking it all in. Most important, this isn’t the time to puzzle through her dilemma. If you feel the impulse to offer an opinion or advice, stifle it. Each second that your brain spends trying to solve her problem, your attention will focused on your thoughts and you won't hear something she has said. Solving the problem comes later. Moreover, solving the problem is ultimately her task, not yours. The goal of your listening with empathy is to be able to express with genuine, heartfelt sincerity your understanding of her feelings in this situation. Something like: “I’m so sorry this happened to you. No wonder you're so distressed. You couldn’t possibly have expected her to do this. You must feel you can't trust her anymore. You must be terribly disappointed. And angry.” And get ready to listen some more. I know, I know. Sounds good, sounds right, but this is hard to do in real life. You bet it is. That's why most of us don't do as well as we should when it's our turn to encourage someone. But if it's somebody you care about, maybe you should do whatever you can to be there with what she needs at that moment.
Article Source: http://www.articledestination.com
Dennis E. Coates is CEO of Performance Support Systems, author of MindFrames, a brain-based personality assessment system (www.initforlife.com) and co-founder of the Train-to-Ingrain alliance (www.train-to-ingrain.com, info@train-to-ingrain.com, 800-488-6463), which delivers a reinforcement-centered approach to learning and development that achieves permanent, measurable improvements in workplace behavior and positive impacts on business results.
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