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Why do we have Sexless Marriages? Another article by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT, from www.HopefulSolutions.net There is no one reason why we have so many “Sexless Marriages” in our world today; in truth, there are five broad “Challenge Areas” (as I refer to them) that are the culprits. Any one, or a combination of all five, can be the problem. You might be in a sexless relationship because of a biological problem. Something might be wrong with your body, or your partner’s. You might have a relationship problem that is causing you to stay distant. One or the other of you might have chosen to stay away from sex. Next, you might have some cultural issues that are messing with your freedom to enjoy sex. Or, you very well might have some personal issues that are creating havoc in your own mind and soul, or your partner might have some struggles that are creating an internal struggle with sex. Finally, there might be a spiritual or energetic struggle going on inside that just leaves you unexcited by the idea of sex. I have written a great deal about each of the five above Challenge Areas, and you can find almost all of what I have written in my ebook, Great Marriage! Great Sex! Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage. For now, I want to give you some of the facts about what is going on, at least in the Western World, when it comes to sex in marriages. There are a couple of things you should be clear on before we get into statistics. Statistics are maps of reality, but never the reality themselves. As such, they are comprised of generalizations, distortions, and deletions. Read them with a discerning eye. Yet, read them like you would read a face in the mirror. In fact, recall that the face in the mirror might be your own. Look for the similarities between the numbers and your life. Statistics always tell a story. In this case, the story might reflect your own. At the very least, it will reflect the stories shared by millions and millions of your neighbors. Let me begin with a quote from Newsweek Magazine. This was the article that birthed my efforts to focus so much of my attention on Sexless Marriages. The statistical evidence would seem to show everything is fine. Married couples say they have sex 68.5 times a year, or slightly more than once a week, according to a 2002 study by the highly respected National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago, and the NORC numbers haven't changed much over the past 10 years. At least according to what people tell researchers, DINS are most likely an urban myth: working women appear to have sex just as often as their stay-at-home counterparts. And for what it's worth, married people have 6.9 more sexual encounters a year than people who have never been married. After all, you can't underestimate the value of having an (occasionally) willing partner conveniently located in bed next to you. (Newsweek Magazine 6/30/03) “DINS” are “Dual Income-No Sex” couples. I don’t know who popularized that acronym, but it wasn’t me. It appears that DINS get about as much sex as those that decide to have one stay at home partner. Get that number! 68.5 times a year! It seems that people have been reporting that they have sex 1 to 2 times a week, and they have been reporting that for many, many years. Remember, these are generalizations. Married people, working out of the home or not, are “getting some” every week, or so it seems. Then I read some new statistics that indicated that only 50.3% of the households in America are occupied by married people. Or, conversely, 49.7% of the households in America are occupied by un-wed people, and they are having sex almost as often as the other half who are married. It makes me wonder if there is a really big advantage to being married if you just look at the numbers. Of course, the numbers don’t tell us anything about the quality of the relationships. Getting screwed is different than making love. Here are some more statistics from the 1992 National Health and Social Life Survey (NHSLS). This was a huge study. (NHSLS) included data from 1,749 women and 1,410 men. Their ages were 18 through 59, and demographically representative of the US population. 43% of women reported having a sexual problem in the prior year. 1 out of 5 women reported not enjoying sex. 19% of the women reported difficulty lubricating. 15% reported pain during sex. 1/3 of all women weren’t interested in sex. Only 16% of men reported low sexual desire. Half of all people, both males and females, reported having difficulty with sexual desire. 25% of men struggle with rapid orgasm. 17% of men and 11% of women report being anxious about their sexual performance. 16% of the men reported low sexual desire in the prior year. 1/3 of the women reported low sexual desire in the prior year. 3% of the men reported sexual pain in the last year. 14% of women reported sexual pain in the last year. 10% of women have never experienced an orgasm. 25% of women reported orgasm problems in the last year. 8% of men have difficulty reaching orgasm. 3% of the men reported pain during sex. The 2002 report from the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago, (referenced above) conducted some research and found that married couples report having sex 68.5 times a year. This is the research sighted in the Newsweek article above. Working women appear to have sex just as often as their stay-at-home counterparts. Married people have 6.9 more sexual encounters a year than people who have never been married. In 2002, a gigantic 200,000,000 prescriptions for antidepressants were filled. Women now make up 47% of the workforce, 57% of bachelor’s degrees, and 30% now earn more than their husbands. Denise Donnelly, a Georgia State University sociologist, reported in a 1993 issue of the Journal of Sex Research, that . . 16% of married Americans have not had sex in the last month. She analyzed 6,029 married individuals from a study called the National Survey of Families and Households conducted by the University of Wisconsin, and found that the odds of infrequent sex rose the less time couples spent together, the fewer kids they had, the older they were, and the less they argued about sex. John DeLamater, in the Journal of Sex Research, February 2002, reports the following: Among single persons, 26% of the men and 22% of the women report having sexual intercourse two or more times per week; 22% of the men and 30% of the women report not having sex in the proceeding year. In 1999, 41% of black men and 38% of black women were never married compared with 20% of white men and 16% of white women. Hispanics, 33% of men and 25% of women are never married. In 1999, 7% of all women were cohabitating. Of those cohabitating, 30% last less than 1 year, and only 10% last 5 years. In 1999, 73% of men and 80% of women had been married at least once. By age 45, 95% of all women have married at least once. There is a decline in the frequency of intercourse with age. 70% of married men and 74% of married women report oral-genital sex. 27% of the men report performing anal sex, while 21% of women do. 17% of married men, and 5% of married women masturbate at least once a week DeLamater continues to summarize with the following. 3 factors seem to contribute to a person’s awareness of their partner’s likes and sexual satisfaction. accepting one’s own sexuality, listening to one’s partner’s likes and dislikes, talking openly and honestly. Most couples will experience one significant change in their sexual relationship, for better or worse, over the course of their marriage. Extramarital activity is reported by 25% of the married men and 15% of the married women. 28% of divorced women and 81% of widowed women report being sexually abstinent in the preceding year. If you are under 35 and without kids, you are more likely to be sexually active. The 1978 New England Journal of Medicine study of 100 “normal” couples reported that… 48% of women had difficulty getting excited, 33% had difficulty staying excited, 86% of these women said their sexual relationship was satisfying, and only 15% of their husbands even knew their wives had these problems. The 1994 Massachusetts Male Aging Study reported that… 52% of the males ages 40 through 70 reported difficulties with erections. 17% of the men reported mild erection problems regardless of age. 5% to 17% of younger men reported more severe problems. 15% to 34% of older men reported problems. Overall, 35% of all subjects had moderate to severe erection problems. That means that 20 to 30 million men in the United States have erection problems. At least 20% of the men over age 50 have this difficulty. Other studies indicate that 10% to 15% of women never reach orgasm with a partner, and that another 25% have intermittent difficulty reaching orgasm during partnered sex. One study of 329 women found that 40% were anxious during sex. Another 1978 study found that of people who were happily married, 63% of the women reported orgasm and arousal problems and 85% reported being satisfied with their sexual relationship. Except for physiological reasons, sex rarely ends abruptly. There will be more statistics reported in other articles, statistics that will be particularly relevant to the topic at hand. This is probably enough for statistics. This stuff can be both informative… and boring. If the numbers are correct, there are between 16,900,000 and 22,600,000 married couples out there that are having sex 10 times a year or less. But, regardless of the statistics, you and your partner are driving your marriage. No one else is. What goes on between the two of you sexually is your business. You own your own relationship. If you are unhappy and in a sexless marriage, then you need to know that you have the power to do something about your sexless marriage. There is hope! There are biological, physical challenges There are relationship issues There are cultural problems There are personal issues There are spiritual and energetic challenges Check out the resources at www.HopefulSolutions.net. This article is provided by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT, LCSW, content expert at www.HopefulSolutions.net. Always use your common sense when seeking advice for your sexless marriage. Where appropriate, always consult your physician. ©2003 - 2006 Dr. Andrew D. Atwood. All rights reserved. HopefulSolutions.net is a service of The Fountain Hill Center for Counseling and Consultation, 534 Fountain St. NE, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 49503. Contact Information: DrAtwood@HopefulSolutions.net. I welcome your comments or questions. If you offer a complementary service or web site, I would like to talk to you about cooperating to build our sites to serve more people. Please know also that I assume no responsibility or liability for the actions of any kind of those who visit my site and read my material or the material of my contributors.
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