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Why not sexless marriage? Can it work? Another article by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT, with www.HopefulSolutions.net “Sex is a window through which one can see how a couple manages intimacy.” If that is true, many of the windows through which I look reveal couples with little sex, and yet profoundly satisfying intimacy. Yes, a couple can have a deeply satisfying relationship… without wild sex! Even without sex, period. Here are some of the ways a sexless marriage can still be a satisfying marriage. 1) Both the man and the woman have very high arousal thresholds, and/or very high orgasmic thresholds. That is, it takes a lot of stimulation to push both of them to the point of arousal. Why their thresholds are so high is pretty irrelevant at this point. They just don’t get sexually aroused much and so they don’t miss what they don’t want. 2) They know each other well, and they have entrusted their real selves to each other. I’m talking about real intimacy here. This doesn’t have to lead into sex at all. There are many people who have profound intimacy, but aren’t sexual. I have a business partner and Greg and I share a great deal. Our friendship is deep and growing. But, we are both guys, and comfortable being guys. A husband and a wife can experience the same thing. Maybe it is years of living together; sort of old-shoe stuff. Whatever it is, they are comfortable with it. 3) Maybe there is some stress around sex and so they have decided to not go there. Enough other good stuff exists in the relationship to make it possible to simply forgo sexual contact. Nobody knows what the problem is, but they just don’t go there. 4) Lots of couples are so busy with their lives and busy doing really satisfying work, that they have simply put sex on the back burner. It is there, but nothing that is of prominent importance. Lots of couples experience this during the DINK (double income no kids) years, and again during the years when he is busy being a father and she is busy being a mother. With little time for the relationship, they have little time for sex. 5) Or they live together for companionship and little more. There are many elderly couples that live together so that they don’t have to be alone. They find a good person, one with whom there is love, and they settle down to a life of enjoyable companionship. Sex? Nope. Not an issue. 6) Of course, there might be some physical limitations that prevent robust sex from occurring. People can have all sorts of handicaps, but those handicaps get in the way of sex, not intimacy. 7) There are, of course, those relationships where tremendous emotional damage has been done to one partner or the other. Typically, she was abused when she was young and she has grown up with a powerful aversion to sex. He loves her and has made an adjustment to his own needs. Maybe he had a minimal interest in sex to begin with. He found a good companion. Now let me address a powerfully provocative issue. If you came to this article hoping to find some information that you can use to support your argument with you partner about not having sex, then stop and think again. Lots of folks who arrive at this article don’t want to have sex with their partner and they are trying to figure out how to win the argument. Rather, take a look at yourself and do some work. There are lots of resources at www.HopefulSoltuions.net that can help you to get UNstuck from your fear and anxiety about having sex. Do some work and move to greater intimacy and eroticism. This article is provided by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT, LCSW, content expert at www.HopefulSolutions.net. Always use your common sense when seeking advice for your sexless marriage. Where appropriate, always consult your physician. ©2003 - 2006 Dr. Andrew D. Atwood. All rights reserved. HopefulSolutions.net is a service of The Fountain Hill Center for Counseling and Consultation, 534 Fountain St. NE, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 49503. Contact Information: DrAtwood@HopefulSolutions.net. I welcome your comments or questions. If you offer a complementary service or web site, I would like to talk to you about cooperating to build our sites to serve more people. Please know also that I assume no responsibility or liability for the actions of any kind of those who visit my site and read my material or the material of my contributors.
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