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Too often yelling undermines our efforts to get things back on track. Why do parents yell? It’s partly to get the kids attention. It’s also a way to express frustration. Does yelling work? Well . . . it’s not the most useful parenting technique. Some parents train their kids to pay attention only when voices raise. Dad says. “Joanne, come here.” Joanne ignores him. Dad raises his voice, “Joanne, did you hear me? Come over here.” Again Joanne fails to respond. Dad’s face turns red as he bellows, “Joanne Marie Stevens get over here NOW!” Joanne has learned to ignore dad until he yells. Yelling can become such a habit that your family doesn’t even register it as unusual. If you want to take the volume down a notch, consider applying these six strategies: 1. Plan ahead for anger. Do you ever get angry with your kids? Of course you do. So, don’t be shocked when it happens. Be ready. Decide ahead of time what helpful parenting skills you will apply when the kids have you on edge. By planning ahead, you can replace ineffective yelling with a positive action. 2. If you are going to yell, do no damage. You won’t do damage if you replace hurtful words with words worth hearing. Do not attack your child’s character. Instead, yell out helpful information. For example, replace “You left the milk out, you thoughtless brat,” with “Milk spoils when it’s left out.” Yell what needs to be done, “The dog needs to be fed.” Yell about your feelings, “I have no patience right now.” 3. Lighten up. Kids aren’t designed to be perfect. Adding a little humor to a tense situation can lighten up the mood and set kids back on track. I remember walking into my kids bedroom. They were supposed to be making their beds, instead they were playing. At that moment I had a choice. I could become angry or try a different approach. I put my hands on my hips and said, “Yell. Yell. Yell.” The kids asked, “What are you doing mom?” I said, “I’m yelling at you to make your beds.” We all laughed. The mood lightened and they got to work. 4. Yelling has undesirable consequences. When you’re feeling frustrated, yelling can be a release, easing up pressure for the moment. The problem is: hostility follows when yelling doesn’t get the results you expect. Kids don’t respond well to yelling. Some develop feelings of worthlessness. Others become defiant, wanting to match your model of power through intimidation. Most kids just tune it out. The only time yelling seems helpful is when it’s used so rarely it’s impact is a surprise and therefore gets their attention. 5. Look in the mirror when you yell. This is the quickest way I know to nip yelling in the bud. You might laugh. You might cry. Either way, seeing yourself the way your kids see you can be a helpful wake-up call. 6. Take a time out. Did you ever have one of those days where everything seems to go wrong? Accumulated frustrations have a way of spilling out in the wrong places. When you feel like yelling, take a time out to recharge your batteries.
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Marilyn Suttle shows you how to create satisfying relationships, increase self esteem and self care. She shares delightful stories filled with useful communication skills and principles. Marilyn is a popular keynote presenter for associations and corporations. Email her at Marilyn@SuttleOnline.NET to subscribe to her free monthly e-newsletter: Life in Balance.
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